Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

Now, where’s the sport in that?

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

Jurassic park gets weird

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.