Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
![]()
You Might Also Like
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
![]()
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana