Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

yes yes a thousand times yes!

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.