Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
So the ex texted me
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.