Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names