Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Twitter is an abusement park.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
shampoo implies shampee
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?