Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
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My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Anarchy
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
The absolute effort that went into this omg
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Who’s your best friend?
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I gave up going to work for lent.
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.