Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
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Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.