Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
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Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
🤣🤣
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?