Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
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Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space