Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
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If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
The funk soul brother
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler