Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
WTF IS THAT!
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*