oh she’s cooked
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What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.