oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
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Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Raisins are grape jerky.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?