“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
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“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Cat is stressing him out.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!