Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

here we go again