“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
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[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?