oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
You Might Also Like
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*