I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
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We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
“OMGJK” -atheists
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
How animals would run if they were human
I don’t hate children, just yours.