Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

idk flipping houses looks really hard

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011