“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
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Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
