“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
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back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.