“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
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ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together