“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
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I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
💀🤣
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other