“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]