“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
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Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.