Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either