Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
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Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
shit, they caught us—run!!!
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Guys which shade of gery should I get
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.