Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

😁

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

Beware of the “party goblin”…