Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.