Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

channeling her this year

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

My birthstone is a marshmallow

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now