Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
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6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan