Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
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I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
scrabbled eggs
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini