Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
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My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.