@KeetPotato

oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
“yes, and?”
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?

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@daemonic3

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

@TheHatStore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

@NewDadNotes

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

@Playing_Dad

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

@daddydoubts

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

@MizzusT

No one has stolen my identity yet and I’m starting to take it personally

@BrettDruck

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

@ArfMeasures

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

@WittySassBasket

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.