Ok, milk… Check!
“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
The six stages
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
No one has stolen my identity yet and I’m starting to take it personally
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.