Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
You Might Also Like
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
she has a point
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My kitchen overserved me.