Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

i wonder why they stopped looking

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.