Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

Always…

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

Always

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you