oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
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Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Breaking news:
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest