oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
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Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
all bases covered
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
#parenting
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
who wants to go expliring
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.