oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Most fashion shows these days…
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different