Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.