Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
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funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there