Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
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me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN