Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

WHY would you be happy about this?

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

reminder

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)