Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
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The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*