Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

what is cheese if not milk persevering

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏