Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
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BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
absolutely not
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
it be like that
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Investing in beetcoin
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”