Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line