Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
You Might Also Like
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems