Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
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Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Is this a threat?