oh sorry i cant im busy that day
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Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Why do we only have lifeguards around water? I could use someone keeping an eye on me around escalators.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
The French cow says MEUX…
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.