Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
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Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
My dad teaching me to drive
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!