Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery