Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
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Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Friday
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
dam girl
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
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