oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
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If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.