oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
You Might Also Like
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
