Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
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The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.