Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.