Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
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hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice