Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
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I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere