Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

me: can I wish for infinite wishes?

genie: no, you only get 3

me: I wish 3 meant infinite

genie:

me:

genie: *sigh* alright what else?

me: telephones but for dogs.

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

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Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.