Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
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Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
im all 3
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.