Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

Digital security in Ancient Troy

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Welcome to the stomach

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.