“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
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Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Not recommended for beginners.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
