Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

If only.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.