Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is