Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

Friday night party time 🥳

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what