Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus