Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
*skinny dips into black hole
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
New skill unlocked
the clam before the storm
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
We know he can swim but…
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.